Dear Santa,

Hey there buddy, it's me Cassandra. I know we haven't talked for a while because you know, I'm older now, but I got some real shit I gotta talk to you about. Yeah, my Christmas list. Santa I'm just going to give you a quick list because like I said, I'm older now, so I know I can't get everything I want, but these are the things that like I really want:

A Video Camera. Not to record myself being what you consider to be 'naughty' and engaging in 'fucking the opposite sex'. Well not solely for that I should say, because I mean if that shit happens, it happens. You know how it is Santa, in the moment, you surprise yourself with the things you do. Nah, but anyway Santa, I want this video camera so I can record sketches and shit. Have you ever had to rely on somebody else in order to use their video camera? No of course not, you're Santa Claus. But I have, and that shit sucks ass. Sketch ideas come to me in the middle of the night Santa, and what do I have to do? Write them down and wait until like next week until I can shoot them with so and so's camera? Fuck that noise Nick, you gotta bring me my own.

A horn for my car. Bet you don't get this one a lot Santa, but I seriously don't have a horn in my car. SERIOUSLY. Have I become significantly better at projecting my voice since I started driving my car? Yes. But the thing is Nicky boy, I have always been good at projecting, so really now I'm just good at yelling. I'll never find a husband like that Santa, think about it that way. I will also never find a husband when my face gets all kinds of fucked up after one of these asians or old people pulling into my lane without checking their blind spots actually hits me one of these days. Luckily I'm excellent at swerving, but I blew my audition for Fast in the Furious 3 so now every time I drive recklessly I get depressed about not getting cast. Dammit Santa, I wanted to make out with Vin Diesel while he shot guns at drug cartels! You can't give me that for Christmas! No one fucking can! So yeah bro... a horn please. OH! and if you have an elf that can make it sound like a funny horn from like the 20s, definitely get me that one. It won't get my LA road rage across as much as a normal horn, but it'll still be hilarious every time I get to use it.

A stereo for my car. Yeah still in the car. I only have a tape player right now Santa so typically I just listen to the radio. Nick, I'm thanking my lucky stars I haven't been driving on Mullholland when the Black Eye Peas come on the radio because I honestly think their music combined with an actual chance to kill myself might end badly. Oh, and don't fucking tell me to get one of those tape things that plugs into my ipod because I had one before and it broke after about a month. A month santa, a fucking month. And what if I want to listen to CD's? Say I want to pop in Aziz Ansari's new stand up CD coming out in January that I would also really like to have for Xmas (just email me the amazon reciept) what would I do then Santa? Buy a walkman to plug into that tape deck thing? Hell no. I'd be embarrassed buying a walkman. Especially this time of year when the lines at Target are long. It would give everyone around me about 15 min. to judge "walkman girl".

Those are the big one's Santa, so I hope you remember. I've been nice this year. Don't say I haven't either, it's not like I killed anybody. Thanks Nick!

Love,

Cassandra Cardenes

P.S. Will you also pay my membership to Netflix? I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE THE DVD'S!

I just got owned

Apparently I was being a bitch to Elizabeth, but I really wanted her to read my essay I just wrote. Whore... Oh and I think we might be the only people who still use shit like Yahoo Messenger, but her apartment gets bad cell reception so we don't have much choice. Her line that got cut off is "Because of all the sand in your Vagina right now." Btw, if you ever try to email me at cassandracardenes@rocketmail.com I will never get it.

I was telling her a pickup line, because thats what I thought she was doing, turns out she was just sassing me.

My Two Liner Blog

So I'm unemployed. Well that's a lie, I have a job. But it's not acting or writing or anything that I'd like to spend all my time doing. Let me just start over. I don't write for a talk show. I'd like to, but I don't. Maybe someday. But I like to write two liners. So I'm starting a second blog just for those.

cassandrawritesjokes.blogspot.com

the URL and title is a little lame but whatever, it works for now. I'll try to post new ones at least every weekday. I'm sure there won't be anymore people looking at that blog then this one. But if you ever want to read some jokes on the news, now you know where to go. Don't steal my shit though, I'll cry. Who knows about the quality of the jokes though, because with my experience with two liners, I sometimes write some that don't make a lot of sense to anyone but me. Oh well though. On that note:

I tried, tumblr and wordpress and all that other shit before just seeing that I could add a new blog onto this website using the same log on info and what not. Brilliant right? It was a pain, I didn't understand the other websites. I was lost and confused without blogspot. Blogspot took me a really long time to figure out too though. Don't ask why, I'm just a bit stupid.

I wonder how many blogs are out there like mine that aren't really read by anyone... Like I know a few people who stumble by mine, but what about blogs that literally NOBODY reads. Like people start them but don't tell anyone about them or put up links to it anywhere. They just go and write to nothing. I want to read those blogs. Blogs about people just talking about their days. People treating their blog like a diary. I don't think I could do that because isn't one of the big things about a diary or journalling that other people can't read it? A diary is something to burn ex's in. I couldn't write about my ex on here. He could easily find this thing. Also it wouldn't be very funny because I don't have a lot of bad things to say. OR DO I? You'll never know internet or ex who by insane chance is reading this right now! and you know why? Yeah you do, it's because this isn't my diary.

I sort of want to hunt down some diary blogs and then post the good things I find on here... would that be fucked up? I wouldn't link it to them or use their names just copy and paste... I think I might do it... It might be fucked up though. Whatever this isn't facebook or some popular shit like that, it's my blog that's been looked at by like 15 people. Until I find any sweet and miserable blog posts though, I'll just draw your attention to this sweet picture I found that I think I might use at the end of my videos with my production company's name over it. HA! My production company, as if I spend any money producing the shit that I do. But it does make me sound a little more bad ass.

I assume from our outfits that we are talking about something intriguing. To bad we'll never be taken seriously in these dog faces!

Nick Swardson makes my panties dance.

That title was a little much I think but my hands just typed it so I'll leave it I suppose. Anyway this video fucking rules:

A Very Terry Christmas - watch more funny videos

Pajamarama!

Soooo I was driving home after work when I was hit with loads of inspiration and after 4 crazy voice notes on my phone, and shoving a sketch in Leigh's face, Pajamarama is back on. Hardcore this time though we made like all the websites and shit... which I guess makes things official? So here they are:

pajamaramacomedy.blogspot.com

funnyordie.com/pajamarama

twitter.com/LCpajamarama

and I think we made a facebook fan page which I thought was a bit much but Leigh insisted we do it since we already made all the other ones. So uhhh I mean I guess since we have all the websites we have to start posting shit all the time. I personally think my blog got more interesting once I had videos up so I'm pretty stoked.

All that aside I'd like to return to the thing I was talking about with my 4 crazy voice notes. Why is it that when I was talking into my phone I pretended like I was John Malkovich. I think it was because he was trying to write memoirs in "Burn After Reading" but still, it's a weird feeling being John Malkovich. Also, not an easy voice to imitate. It would always start good but then somehow turn French. It was weird... Well it's 1:15AM sooo back to watching Metalocalypse. A show that I was not really into but since I can never get to sleep early anymore and watch Adult Swim every night, except Saturday when they play anime, it's grown on me... In case anyone fucking cares haha.

"Yeah, I'm John Malkovich and I'm pretty brutal. Oui Oui." I KNEW YOU WERE FRENCH!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So my bestie Leigh Myles needed a 30 second sketch and I agreed because I'm a good friend and this is what I got to do that day... Sorry Mom.

Cock-A-Doodle-Doo - watch more funny videos

And again, some more new headshots

Got signed to a new agency and she demanded different headshots. I went along with it and was put in contact with an amazing photographer named deidhra and I suggest anyone who needs awesome headshots go to her. http://deidhrafahey.com/

obviously not my headshot... but I feel I look nice and bitchy at the same time. So I like it.

Moon Getting Bombed!

Hey sooooo I filmed this sketch that I wrote and here is the video to prove it! For all the people who never read my blog (100% of people I assume) vote funny if you love reaction shots and no production costs!

Moon People in for a surprise! - watch more funny videos

Sweet explosion!

Post Cleanse update

haha I stopped blogging on the cleanse... I went 4 miserable days. but I'm eating healthier! I'm meeting with a new agent tomorrow so we'll see how that goes and I hope to get a video up on funnyordie.com this weekend about a sketch I wrote about NASA bombing the moon. And now, re-watching the whole 6th season of Entourage :]


Mmmm... I'm a sexy beast... I have the least story line in season 6... but it's okay because I still have sex with a girl in every episode.

Day Two

Well, I'm not really done with day two yet but this will probably be my only time I have to blog about it. Today was a day where I've just been an emotional spark plug. I'm writing points and things down for my one person show I'm trying to put together and they have all been angry. And I started them yesterday, so I'm tempted to not write anymore until I'm done with this haha. My whole show will be me complaining and funny as it might become I still might end looking very whiny. Or people will just think I'm like the female Lewis Black, because it sounds like that too. I'll just have a disclaimer before saying, the first draft of this was written while I was fasting. But so far so good I guess. No significant weight loss to be happy about. I have to stay busy though otherwise I get crazy. I had a dream I was running from a Tsunami last night and I think that might be because of the salt water flush I have to do... But then again tsunami was a trending topic on twitter. I wonder if one happened? Cassandra Cardenes, not up on her events? Rare. Alright I'm going to go to an improv jam with some friends. We'll see how my scenes end up haha. First dude that labels me as a whiny girlfriend in a scene has another thing coming for sure.


I challenge Lewis Black to a complain off. An attention starved, flaming gay guy will judge the contest.

The Master Cleanse

Ughh... My family made the group decision to go on this torture of a cleanse. It's day one and I'm going to do my best to just get through it. I'm curious to just see if it is all worth it. I'll never know for myself unless I just tough it out. Days definitely go slower when you aren't eating though. I wish I could just find a way to sleep most of the time. As lazy as that sounds, sleeping for the majority of 10 days, but the juice actually gives you a lot of energy. It's lemon juice, water, and maple syrup, I personally think it tastes like vomit. But like seriously vomit. Not saying vomit to exaggerate, but think of when you burp or cough a little bit and you taste vomit for whatever reason, that's exactly how it tastes. 40-120 oz of that a day. Normally you add cayenne pepper also, but we take cayenne pills because the pepper makes the lemonade impossible. So far today I've drank 49 oz and I think thats the best I can do. Also it's reccomended to drink your weight in water. You weight 150lbs, try to aim to drink 150 oz. RIDICULOUS. Ahh it's nice to whine. I'll keep posting how the cleanse goes. nobody reads this, but if anyone askes me about the cleanse later, I can redirect them here ;]


"Complain away girl, I used the master cleanse to lose weight for my part in Dreamgirls and publicly talk about how I didn't like it, but still endorse it." Thanks Beyonce.

Headshots

Finally got new headshots. That shit sucks so bad. No pressure, but you're modeling for the picture that will be your first impression with everyone that could make or break your career as an actress. Like I said though... No pressure.


Cassandra! If you keep making that face at the camera it's going to get stuck like that!

Well... I'm a brunette again?

Hmmm it's been awhile... probably because nothing has been going on! I dyed my hair back to it's natural brown and am getting head shots next week... which is nice... There's some video of an "I Am Legend" spoof where I'm a crazed crack head floating around in cyber space somewhere that I can't locate... and uhhhh... Yeah, I think I'm going to acheive my biggest fear and go into standup... We'll see how that goes... I'm aiming to start by the beginning of next year. Oh, and I'm running a 5K in November. Something about cervical cancer... Yup, that's the update of a life of a non working comedianne actress thing. But things are cooking in the writing department and I might start getting some stuff on stage, so I won't let this post discourage me.


"Come on Cassandra, what's the deal with you? Stand up isn't that bad..." "YOU DON'T GET IT JERRY"

The 11th Annual Del Close Marathon

Taking place at three theaters in New York, taking a ton of the good performers from the UCB LA and stealing them off to New York for a weekend... This marathon has caused me so much grief... I WISH I WAS THERE. It runs ALL NIGHT and just seems like the most fun ever had... Fuck... Three straight days of delirious, sleep deprived, drunken improv!? Uhhh yes please!! Not to mention all the special classes that people are teaching that weekend. Every picture I look at makes it that much worse to be sitting here in LA. No good shows to watch here, sketch class was canceled because my teacher is gone, just... ugh. Next year, I will fucking be there because now I know it exists far enough in advance that I have no excuse not to be able to afford it. I think the performers that are still in LA are as upset as me... I just need to stay off Facebook and Twitter so that I don't see anymore pictures or anymore "I've slept 6 hours in 48 hours! DCM!" posts. Le sigh...


Next year... at the 12th annual... Elizabeth and I will fucking be there... Just warning you now
body, mind, liver, and New York.

Cassandra and Leigh Pajamarama!

My good friend Leigh and I have decided to work on a two person show that we're going to try to weasel into whatever theater will take us. We'll see how it goes... I'm attempting to write for it right now and well... I ended up on my blog. I have the Sex in the City movie on and had to put down my knitting in exchange for my laptop, but still that Mozilla icon is so much more appealing that the icon for Final Draft. Hmmm what to write about... I watched Paper Heart last night. Not as amazing as I expected, but I still recommend it. 500 days of Summer met my expectations and I recommend also. But nobody reads this yet... Oh well. Back to the two person show... It'll be a nice combination of "real time life" with sketches and videos. We'll change up the dialogue every month to keep it fresh and to keep doing it.

I'm also thinking I need to revisit my guitar and teach myself to play the damn thing and write some songs. Not serious songs, I have nothing serious to say. But fun parody or original silly songs. My most recent inspiration for this was watching Sarah Silverman perform her little "I love you more than..." song on stage. Obviously she isn't the only inspiration to bring music to my comedy, but hers was so cute. And I love her and her sense of humor. Similar to mine. I think... On that note, I feel like I'm done blogging. I'm breaking out the guitar. Meaning I'm pushing off writing material for Leigh and I's show even longer and focusing on my own personal projects. Typical me.


I love you more than Jews love money

Moon People

So Demetri Martin is in pre-production for this movie he wrote the screenplay for called "Moon People". There's not much information about it except that he is going to star in it and he wrote it. The best overview I found said it was about people who were sent to the moon to colonize return to earth. I assume mayhem and hilarity ensues from there. So I've decided I'm going to do whatever I can to bother my acting coach who works close with my old agency who hopefully is going to sign me back next month to get me an audition for that movie. Even if it's a small part. I'm a huge fan of Demetri and even if I don't meet him, I feel like it's a good goal to shoot for. I assume they haven't started casting for it because there is literally NO information about this film. Unless it's like super secret project... but why?


oh yes Cassandra, I definitly want you in my movie. What? You definitly want me inside you? Well, okay. But only because I look like all rugged and sex god ish in this picture you chose for your blog.

So that's the plan. I'll keep updates about it. Nobody reads this yet, but man it's gonna be cool if I end up in the movie and I have proof that I called it.

Til then, I must admit that I've been trying to make a really shitty mixtape and can always think of like one or two songs and download entire albums and then end up enjoying them. I think this means I have awful taste in music... I wanted some poppy dumb Jason Mraz song for the shitty mixtape but now am listening to the whole album. It has lifted my spirts. wtf Jason, quit being so happy go lucky. alright i'm done with this post.

Cassandra Loves The New York Knicks

So I'm going to try really hard this year to get into basketball because not unlike many other sports I sort of just listen to what my brother says occasionally to be mildly updated on what's going on. Then there is baseball that for the most part, I take it upon myself to know what's going on. SO the Lakers won the NBA Championship this past season and I felt like an idiot because I had no clue what was going on. This October, I will be Miss Basketball and follow it like I follow baseball. Maybe even more closely because, sorry Dodgers, but basketball is a bit more entertaining to watch the entire game without being on Facebook or cleaning my apartment at the same time. However, Lakers and Clippers fans annoy me so I'm going with what I see is the next best thing: The Knicks. This doesn't make sense to anyone but me, because The Knicks honestly didn't do that great last season and this upcoming season is rumored to be no exception for many different reasons BUT i'll explain why The Knicks are for me: (if I ever marry a Knicks fan and they ask how a Cali girl got into that team, I officially can't tell them some meanful story about it because I'm choosing to make my dumb and totally shallow reasoning public domain)

1.) probably the most important, LOTS OF HOT JEWISH GUYS IN NEW YORK. Also, lots of hot New York jewish guys that love basketball. In turn, another (amongst the many) thing that makes me more attractive to my future born into Judism but probably not super practicing Jewish Hilarious Tall husband that if he exsists I have yet to meet him.

2.) in picking a team other than the Lakers and Clippers, The Denver Nuggets popped into my mind because I did spend 11 yrs old my childhood in Colorado. But honestly... I like being in New York much more than being in Colorado. I'm perfectly content being one of those types who can only live in New York or Los Angeles because those two places are so different from the rest of the US. I've heard it descibed as "NYC and LA are like two bubbles connected by JetBlue and seperate from the world". So sorry childhood, but I'll root for the Broncos but that's about it...

3.) speaking of The Broncos: their colors are orange and blue and so are The Knicks! My dad LOVED the Broncos and they are my favorite football team, so those colors mean a lot.

4.) My brother thinks rooting for The Knicks is an AWFUL idea. That's a lot of incentive to continue rooting for this team because when they do come out and start being a super kick ass team (whenever that does eventually happen) I'll get such joy from being right in the end. Steve (my brother) seems to think it will require them to build a new stadium for The Knicks to play at outside of the middle of the city because Madison Square Garden is really really old. Along with that, he says The Knicks can't afford anyone decent and rich people in New York get taxed the most in the entire country so no rich basketball player wants to move there. Disagree all you want with all this because I do. I do simply because I'm so dead set on loving The Knicks, but maybe you know what he's talking about. And by "you" I mean nobody of course because I'm unaccomplished still and I present nobody any reason to read this blog. But hey, maybe someday someone who is super obsessed with me will spend a few hours on the internet and will watch and read everything I've ever done and skim through this...

So in conclusion, be prepared to see me in a blue and orange sweatshirt and rooting for my new favorite basketball team the New York Knicks haha!

imdb is always fun to explore around

I searched Jack black on imdb, and ended up on a porno star's page. Star of such films as "Don't look now, but there's a cock in you ass." Not joking. Along with 822 other films made between now and 1973. One year younger than my mother. Thought I'd share, I thought it was funny.

Sprite commercial

Not one that I'm in, just a crazy rejected one to racy for Germany I guess. It's intense and hilarious haha. It's cut off for some reason on the blog but all that sprite is being shot out of a sprite bottle, not his dick. The bottle is however positioned as if it were his dick....

Headshots and heat waves

Nobody reads this, but if you happen to be a decent photographer in LA in the mood to do some simple FREE headshots, please contact me at cassandracardenes@gmail.com. I'm in desperate need of some quickly and would pay for some but since money is so tight I really don't want my agent to just see my new ones with my new hair then refer me to another photographer, which has happened before and is very frustrating...

ON THAT NOTE... It is insanely hot in the Valley. It has been for the past couple of weeks and honestly feel like I might melt before September arrives. I'm trying to think of some elaborate plan to somehow make it possible to move over the hill into actual Hollywood as soon and possible and take the heat down a few degrees. I think the only way that will be possible is teaming up with my lovely mother and sharing rent on some fabulous rental home in Los Feliz... with a pool. Dare to dream...

Soo yeah not much else to write about... I will recommend the movie Seeing Other People. I watched it yesterday on the Sundance Channel and it was pretty interesting. Jay Mohr and Andy Richter are in it. About two engaged people sleeping with other people before they get married and as you can guess that doesn't work. Anddd.... I'll post this video because Stella is amazing and my last post was going on about David Wain:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I'm Cassandra AKA Chicken Shit

First of all before I go on a rant about the title, my "live" feed of twitter is really pissing me off because that shit isn't live... it's very slow. follow me at www.twitter.com/casscardenes since my feed is stupid...

ANYWHO! So I'm weird... I enjoy being on stage, I enjoy meeting new people and being approached by people and all kinds of positive attention. And when I meet people, I'm typically (depending on my mood and the crowd) loud and I don't know, myself. BUT for some fucking reason I CANNOT approach people I don't know. Well maybe that's dramatic, I can't approach people who I'm a fan of (celebrity, random comedian who is just funny but nobody famous, etc.) or whose insanely attractive. When they are both, which happens most often, it's the WORST. I'd rather sing in public or something that's commonly embarrassing for people then have to approach someone i'm a fan of. Last night David Wain was coming out of Ron and Bev at the UCB theater and I love love love love him. And so does my sister Elizabeth. Elizabeth left yesterday morning to go back home to Colorado so I knew the biggest fuck you to her would be a picture of David Wain and I. I love her, but we do things to spite each other for no reason... and by we, i usually mean i do these things because i really want her to move here so i show off things she will envy. think i'm a bitch? fuck you. Sooooo I saw Wain and my stomach did turns and I was really star struck, which never happens, so that on top of my awful approaching skills made this picture seem impossible. I ended up having to be pushed (non obviously of course) by my friends into speaking to him. I'm pretty sure he was talking to Zoe Deshenel or whatever too and she was the one who took the picture. All the while Elizabeth Banks had just finished talking to David. Star studded event haha. I felt so much better that I did it, but wtf Cassandra?


What are you talking about Cassandra of course I want to take pictures with you... Infact let's take some naked.

How do I get better at approaching people? I'm terrified of the small talk and possible rejection I guess. Not to mention I'm very young... Beyond legal, but young. An attractive (jewish most likely) man strolls out of a theater after putting on an amazingly funny show, I somehow find the balls to speak to him, and our conversation I feel will go one of two ways:

"Hey I'm Cassandra"
"Hi I'm (attractive (jewish) man name)"
"You were really great tonight"
"Thanks" *sees friend thanks me for coming, maybe, and walks away*

OR

"Hey I'm Cassandra"
"Hi I'm (attractive (jewish) man name)"
"You were really funny tonight" (the "funny" instead of "great" is what keeps him talking to me I think)
*---insert awful awkward small talk----*
"So can I buy you a drink, were you planning on going next door?"
"Oh yeah I can't get in next door, I uhhh... don't have an ID"
"Like you forgot it?"
"ummm... -----"
TWO OPTIONS NOW! LIE:"--- yeah I forgot it at home" OR: "--- well it's because i'm (insert unfortunate age here)"
"ohhh.... well thank's for coming see you around"

It hurts just acting it out... Is it pathetic to want a fake ID just to hang out with my older friends? Like it's not even to drink! I just want to stay around and chat with everyone... awful.

until next time....

First Post!

It seems to make sense that for my first post I have absolutely nothing to say... Knowing myself, I'm going to post this then in like an hour think of something brilliant to write. That though, builds up my next post and then the next thing I post must be something amazing. Feels like too much pressure. I'll rephrase: I'm going to post this and then knowing myself will think of something mildly entertaining, but in my opinion, overall mediocre to post in like an hour. See that's much better, because if in fact my next post IS brilliant, I appear modest and harsh on myself. Perfect ;)

smells like the beginning of something amazing! Aw and SOOO modest!