Monday, February 15, 2010

I can't figure out how to delete posts...

Only edit them... So I guess this is here to replace some shit I wrote on Monday about getting dumped that was less funny and more bitter. Which actually is all I truly am once you get to know me.

Nah... I'm nice.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Dude... We need to talk Denver. Look... I know I've fucked up in the past, but I just gotta say, I think about you a lot and I don't know, maybe we should give it another go. I mean I'll be honest, I could grow old with California, but I mean you and I we have fun. Like we have FUN.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dear DMV,

Well, I received your letter and frankly, I'm appalled. You have chosen to suspend my driver's license due to a fix it ticket I received and forgot about back in August. For shame DMV!
Yes, I know this stems back to being my fault, and I accept the responsibility, but you wanna know my problem? This letter has just been sent to me NOW. You send the letter saying 'Oh by the way your license has been suspended since Jan. 23, 2010' NOW. It even says at the top of the letter 'Feb. 5, 2010'. Ummmm hello? Who the fuck was going to explain this shit to me? A police officer taking me in his vehicle while impounding my car? I sure fucking hope not, because he would have been dealing with a crying angry cuban mess of a girl and NOBODY deserves that. NOBODY. Unless of course you put your dick in a cuban girl, then you are a free target for a crying angry cuban mess of a girl at anytime. Did you put your dick in me DMV? Not literally. But you are still getting this girl because I definitely feel like I've been fucked. Did you see that play on words? DID YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!?

Let's get to the real shit, THE REAL SHIT! This state is broke, that's the only way that I can fathom why on God's great earth a $25 fix it ticket has now skyrocketed to a whopping $1004 that has become only payable through the DMV's right hand collection agency. Fair enough DMV, shoot my ticket that high, you don't fucking scare me, oh but wait... what? I can make payments but I can't have my license back until the amount is paid in full?


That is grade A bologna, DMV. If I'm making payments, don't I deserve my license? I understand that a driver's license is a big thing to hold above someone's head which further inclines them to quickly pay a ticket, but you also don't seem to understand that a driver's license is a necessity in a lot of people's lives. Mine included. Half of the things I do for my job involve DRIVING.

Oh no, what's going on now DMV? You won't even spit in my asshole before you fuck me now? You are saying I need to go to you and apply to get a state ID and I can't just keep my driver's license for idenification? That's bullshit. Oh but how sweet, you even gave me a form and an envelope to send my license to you in. THAT I HAVE TO PAY THE STAMP ON. I mean, such a small thing, but definitely a cherry on top of this shit cupcake that you have frosted with your figurative DMV semen and piss.

Okay so I go to the DMV today lets say, and I apply for an ID, great, there's three weeks of my life I have to wait before I have any proof of who I am. Will this affect the trip I'm making to Denver for my lovely cousin's birthday at the end of the month? It better fucking not. I'm keeping my license until I get your shitty waste of plastic that you'll dub 'Cassandra Joyce Cardenes' Identification Card' because I'm not letting you ruin my whole life.

How do I tell my boss about this DMV? My mother has already cut me out of the will because of this. That's not entirely true, but if it was, would you feel bad? Would you shed a tear from me you heartless fucking robot government agency!?

Nobody likes you DMV, NOBODY. You're lines are long, you smell like stale body oder and farts, your workers are unhappy people, you overprice your citations, and you have a magical spell in the air that makes even the prettiest people look like gremlins in their pictures.

Seriously DMV, eat shit. I'll pay your fucking ticket as fast as I can and I won't drive until I get my license back and break the law. Why? Because I fucking have no choice. That might be the worst part of it all. No matter what, I have no choice. Because regardless of when you notified me about all this and regardless of how insanely overpriced it is, and regardless of the huge horse dick that resides inside your asshole, it all comes back to me forgetting to pay a fix it ticket. Even if I went in and accused you of not reminding me and that my first reminder shouldn't be you guys taking my license away 6 months later, it doesn't matter because that's only my opinion. You people at the DMV run it the way you want to. How do you sleep at night?

If I was sure I wouldn't get in trouble, I'd send you a picture of a dirty asshole along with my driver's license. Luckily for you, I'm not sure I wouldn't get in trouble and you aren't worth the trouble of searching for dirty asshole pics on the internet. You aren't worth shit.

Forever Yours,
Cassandra 'Your Bitch Now' Cardenes

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It wouldn't shock me in the slightest to find out he was goose stepping in this picture.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Mini Daddy!

I don't know why I haven't seen this video before but I quite enjoyed it. I have a cousin Laz that looks identical so I'm going to provide NOT ONLY Mini Daddy, but some random thing my cousin Laz did on youtube so you all can see the clear comparison.

That's Mini Daddy.

That's Mini Daddy when he's 20. Aka My cousin Laz.

Awwww Mexicans :]

If I had a boyfriend...

I would expect this gift for Valentine's Day which I will in fact be spending alone...

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That's all.

Buy it for me or someone else...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Mind Games/Single or Taken?

Yuck what a terrible subject. What possesses you to play mind games with your significant other? Because everyone does it at some point or another. Everyone thinks to themselves, 'So and so is doing this that bothers me and I have two options. I can tell them upfront what my problem is or I can be a passive aggressive douche bag and make them hate themselves and be overwhelmed with confusion.' I've done it. You've done it. I've felt it. You've felt it. But why? Do we for some reason we feel better making our boyfriend (or girlfriend) feel like shit? Things like:

"Are you mad?"

That nope was a lie. If I could express tone on a blog I would but you know what I'm talking about. That nope had an underlying "Yes you stupid piece of shit." Passive Aggressive.

"I love you."

OKAY!? Wtf!? You told me you loved me 20 times an hour ago when we were getting along, but now I've done something to upset you and suddenly our entire relationship flashed before your eyes to make you question whether or not you love me anymore. Do you feel better hurting someone's feelings like that?

"Did you have fun with your friends?"
"Yeah but all these girls were all over me."

Why on earth would you tell your significant other some shit like that? Is the attention you want jealous rage and protectiveness? Maybe sometimes, but making someone like that all the time is not a partner you want. Also if you are dating a crazy girl, which if you are dating a girl in general you are automatically dating a crazy girl, we begin to wonder in our crazy little heads 'Now why did he have to reassure us that he wasn't flirting? Should I not trust him? Because I trusted him before he said all this.' Or at least in my experience...

"I forgave you for such and such thing, and you wanna fight with me about this thing? You're the shitty person in this relationship all along but I forgave YOU."

That's almost relationship blackmail. If you think that what Person A did was so terrible but you forgave them on YOUR PRIVATE terms that you could then get away with whatever you wanted from that point on, it doesn't sound like you really forgave them at all. Now it just sounds like you are keeping Person A around because you have something to hold over their head for the rest of your relationship.

"If you don't do this for me right now, you obviously don't love me and we're fucking over."

Is that really all it takes to end your relationship? I mean unless what you are talking about is like 'Stop fucking other people' or something really really serious, I see absolutely no reason to say this phrase to someone and yet I hear people say it all the time. Whether to me or my friends.

"Hey sorry I didn't answer the phone, I was in class."
"Yeah sure, you were probably with you're other boyfriend."


My big question is do we ever truly feel better about doing these things? Because it all is meaningless. If we actually meant all this shit we said, we wouldn't be in relationships with these people. I think we can all comfortably say, unless we've managed to find our soul mates in high school and our shit smells like roses and we have a television show on TLC about our 19 kids and blah blah, that we have experienced some sort of mental abuse in relationships. It's not always severe, especially when you consider all the different interpretations for what counts as mental abuse. You could say that when you found out your 9 month old puppy that shit on the carpet everyday and chewed up mommy's cashmere sweater went to that big farm where it could be free and run around all day is mental abuse from your parents if you wanted to. So whatever, point is, why on earth do we do these things and also, why does it strangely make us feel better to watch the other person struggle a little. Evil of me to say? To fucking bad. There is something mildly satisfying of the revenge that mind games can at times play on someone and you are a liar if you disagree because you probably have played mind games on someone without even realizing what you're doing.
Revenge is something else too. Matching mind games with mind games. That shit gets people no where I think. When I've been through situations like that I usually want to step back and just ask to forget about the entire thing and act like it all never happened, because if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend had to sit down and explain all the mental olympics you were trying to pull on each other, you'd probably break up.
Why do I bring this up? Well because I feel as though uhhhhhhh MY FRIEND is being fucked with right now. And this FRIEND can only think of ways to fuck with her guy thing back rather then act like an adult. Is this FRIEND just a bitch? No, she's human. Which I guess technically makes her a bitch because as I've said in previous blogs girls are crazy, but can I just say that the guy started this!
They got in a fight and the guy claimed there was nothing wrong when there clearly was and then this guy was being a HUGE dick to my FRIEND and my FRIEND got her feelings hurt because she had seen things like this in previous relationships and began to question why she was even bothering with relationships if they were all going to be the same?
My FRIEND asked her best friend to find out what was wrong with her guy and the guy then said nothing was wrong again like dirty liar and just said 'tell her I love her, but I don't want to talk to her.'
Why don't you want to talk to her!? Is it because you want her to sit around and suffer while she waits to hear from you!?!?!?! YES THAT'S WHY YOU ASSHOLE I'VE GOT YOU FIGURED OUT MOTHER FUCKER.
Excuse me... anyway. My FRIEND'S friend then said, like a champ of a best friend that she is, 'Well I'm not going to tell her that because I'm sick of hearing her cry over you.'
Was my FRIEND really crying over this boy? Of course not. But did that get the guys attention? Fuck yes it did. Because that too is a mind game.
My FRIEND had been through these types of things before and told her best friend to be prepared to say that she had been crying all day in case the guy decided he wanted to keep the big dildo in his mouth and keep pulling this passive aggressive mind game bullshit.
Matching mind games with mind games to just have a sad and confused couple.

But I digress because I shouldn't keep talking about my FRIEND'S problems online because nobody truly cares, even though I can't stop thinking about them. Because they are mine.

I mentioned before that my FRIEND got her feelings hurt and wondered if relationships were even worth this shit. I mean a quick draft of a Pros and Cons list:

  • You can flirt and sleep with whoever you want
  • You only have to worry about yourself
  • You don't have anyone to fight with
  • Free to do what you want when you want
  • You don't have to worry about relationship stuff
  • like money, parents, cleaning up after someone else
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You might want to consider getting a dog...

Not going to lie I really started struggling to think of PROS to that list. Goes to show where I'd rather be despite all the pain of a relationship....

  • Companionship with someone you care about
  • Someone to be with you through good and bad times
  • No longer have to look for someone else
  • Someone to spend time with
  • Get to do 'couple things' with
  • Have someone to rely on
  • Feel better then your single friends
  • Is that bitch looking at my man?
  • Fuck, are they still crying?
  • Oh man, that Jewish guy was hot...
  • I could fold myself in a naked pretzel and you would STILL be playing xbox
  • Babe, I don't want to see Avatar again
  • I wish I could fit in that dress, I guess I've been getting a little 'comfortable' since I started dating So and So...
Who knows what's better?? I suppose it's just the type of person you are.

I have no good ending to this blog because I have no answers. I just observe and try to figure out things way bigger then myself. This is all just a process.