Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Santa,

Hey there buddy, it's me Cassandra. I know we haven't talked for a while because you know, I'm older now, but I got some real shit I gotta talk to you about. Yeah, my Christmas list. Santa I'm just going to give you a quick list because like I said, I'm older now, so I know I can't get everything I want, but these are the things that like I really want:

A Video Camera. Not to record myself being what you consider to be 'naughty' and engaging in 'fucking the opposite sex'. Well not solely for that I should say, because I mean if that shit happens, it happens. You know how it is Santa, in the moment, you surprise yourself with the things you do. Nah, but anyway Santa, I want this video camera so I can record sketches and shit. Have you ever had to rely on somebody else in order to use their video camera? No of course not, you're Santa Claus. But I have, and that shit sucks ass. Sketch ideas come to me in the middle of the night Santa, and what do I have to do? Write them down and wait until like next week until I can shoot them with so and so's camera? Fuck that noise Nick, you gotta bring me my own.

A horn for my car. Bet you don't get this one a lot Santa, but I seriously don't have a horn in my car. SERIOUSLY. Have I become significantly better at projecting my voice since I started driving my car? Yes. But the thing is Nicky boy, I have always been good at projecting, so really now I'm just good at yelling. I'll never find a husband like that Santa, think about it that way. I will also never find a husband when my face gets all kinds of fucked up after one of these asians or old people pulling into my lane without checking their blind spots actually hits me one of these days. Luckily I'm excellent at swerving, but I blew my audition for Fast in the Furious 3 so now every time I drive recklessly I get depressed about not getting cast. Dammit Santa, I wanted to make out with Vin Diesel while he shot guns at drug cartels! You can't give me that for Christmas! No one fucking can! So yeah bro... a horn please. OH! and if you have an elf that can make it sound like a funny horn from like the 20s, definitely get me that one. It won't get my LA road rage across as much as a normal horn, but it'll still be hilarious every time I get to use it.

A stereo for my car. Yeah still in the car. I only have a tape player right now Santa so typically I just listen to the radio. Nick, I'm thanking my lucky stars I haven't been driving on Mullholland when the Black Eye Peas come on the radio because I honestly think their music combined with an actual chance to kill myself might end badly. Oh, and don't fucking tell me to get one of those tape things that plugs into my ipod because I had one before and it broke after about a month. A month santa, a fucking month. And what if I want to listen to CD's? Say I want to pop in Aziz Ansari's new stand up CD coming out in January that I would also really like to have for Xmas (just email me the amazon reciept) what would I do then Santa? Buy a walkman to plug into that tape deck thing? Hell no. I'd be embarrassed buying a walkman. Especially this time of year when the lines at Target are long. It would give everyone around me about 15 min. to judge "walkman girl".

Those are the big one's Santa, so I hope you remember. I've been nice this year. Don't say I haven't either, it's not like I killed anybody. Thanks Nick!

Cassandra Cardenes

P.S. Will you also pay my membership to Netflix? I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE THE DVD'S!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I just got owned

Apparently I was being a bitch to Elizabeth, but I really wanted her to read my essay I just wrote. Whore... Oh and I think we might be the only people who still use shit like Yahoo Messenger, but her apartment gets bad cell reception so we don't have much choice. Her line that got cut off is "Because of all the sand in your Vagina right now." Btw, if you ever try to email me at I will never get it.

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I was telling her a pickup line, because thats what I thought she was doing, turns out she was just sassing me.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

My Two Liner Blog

So I'm unemployed. Well that's a lie, I have a job. But it's not acting or writing or anything that I'd like to spend all my time doing. Let me just start over. I don't write for a talk show. I'd like to, but I don't. Maybe someday. But I like to write two liners. So I'm starting a second blog just for those.

the URL and title is a little lame but whatever, it works for now. I'll try to post new ones at least every weekday. I'm sure there won't be anymore people looking at that blog then this one. But if you ever want to read some jokes on the news, now you know where to go. Don't steal my shit though, I'll cry. Who knows about the quality of the jokes though, because with my experience with two liners, I sometimes write some that don't make a lot of sense to anyone but me. Oh well though. On that note:

I tried, tumblr and wordpress and all that other shit before just seeing that I could add a new blog onto this website using the same log on info and what not. Brilliant right? It was a pain, I didn't understand the other websites. I was lost and confused without blogspot. Blogspot took me a really long time to figure out too though. Don't ask why, I'm just a bit stupid.

I wonder how many blogs are out there like mine that aren't really read by anyone... Like I know a few people who stumble by mine, but what about blogs that literally NOBODY reads. Like people start them but don't tell anyone about them or put up links to it anywhere. They just go and write to nothing. I want to read those blogs. Blogs about people just talking about their days. People treating their blog like a diary. I don't think I could do that because isn't one of the big things about a diary or journalling that other people can't read it? A diary is something to burn ex's in. I couldn't write about my ex on here. He could easily find this thing. Also it wouldn't be very funny because I don't have a lot of bad things to say. OR DO I? You'll never know internet or ex who by insane chance is reading this right now! and you know why? Yeah you do, it's because this isn't my diary.

I sort of want to hunt down some diary blogs and then post the good things I find on here... would that be fucked up? I wouldn't link it to them or use their names just copy and paste... I think I might do it... It might be fucked up though. Whatever this isn't facebook or some popular shit like that, it's my blog that's been looked at by like 15 people. Until I find any sweet and miserable blog posts though, I'll just draw your attention to this sweet picture I found that I think I might use at the end of my videos with my production company's name over it. HA! My production company, as if I spend any money producing the shit that I do. But it does make me sound a little more bad ass.

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I assume from our outfits that we are talking about something intriguing. To bad we'll never be taken seriously in these dog faces!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Nick Swardson makes my panties dance.

That title was a little much I think but my hands just typed it so I'll leave it I suppose. Anyway this video fucking rules:

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Soooo I was driving home after work when I was hit with loads of inspiration and after 4 crazy voice notes on my phone, and shoving a sketch in Leigh's face, Pajamarama is back on. Hardcore this time though we made like all the websites and shit... which I guess makes things official? So here they are:

and I think we made a facebook fan page which I thought was a bit much but Leigh insisted we do it since we already made all the other ones. So uhhh I mean I guess since we have all the websites we have to start posting shit all the time. I personally think my blog got more interesting once I had videos up so I'm pretty stoked.

All that aside I'd like to return to the thing I was talking about with my 4 crazy voice notes. Why is it that when I was talking into my phone I pretended like I was John Malkovich. I think it was because he was trying to write memoirs in "Burn After Reading" but still, it's a weird feeling being John Malkovich. Also, not an easy voice to imitate. It would always start good but then somehow turn French. It was weird... Well it's 1:15AM sooo back to watching Metalocalypse. A show that I was not really into but since I can never get to sleep early anymore and watch Adult Swim every night, except Saturday when they play anime, it's grown on me... In case anyone fucking cares haha.

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"Yeah, I'm John Malkovich and I'm pretty brutal. Oui Oui." I KNEW YOU WERE FRENCH!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So my bestie Leigh Myles needed a 30 second sketch and I agreed because I'm a good friend and this is what I got to do that day... Sorry Mom.

Cock-A-Doodle-Doo - watch more funny videos