Monday, January 25, 2010

Uhhh Heidi... Your face!

When was the last time you visited the super market? When you were there did you see this monster of a magazine cover?

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It's like the took a tan dildo and molded it into Jessica rabbit

Heidi Montag got a new face! And triple D boobs! Only 23 years old and looks like a totally different person. I want to become a close friend of hers just so I can be there when she like REALLY regrets all this. Is that mean? I'm not trying to make fun of her, like I think it's sad mostly.

That being said... I'm around 23 years old. Bit younger. SO now I guess is the time when I have to completely change my face right? I mean Heidi's doctor says all kinds of young girls are getting the types of surgeries people wait until their late 30s to get so I mean, I need to decide now. Let's see...

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No surgery, yuck hide your eyes

So of course we must start with my deceptively large nose. It's deceptive because I'm not Jewish. I wouldn't make that stereotype except that a lot of people instantly assume I'm Jewish.

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After first procedure, I feel so alive

There. Perfect. Only... Hmmm my jaw looks to round which is disgusting because having a round jaw must mean I'm like 300 pounds or something. Let's take that off too.

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Finally a jaw that makes sense. No longer do I need those childish dimples.

Fabulous. Hmmm I almost look beautiful enough to face society again but... Oh of course I need to lift my brows and make my eyes look bigger. And plump up those lips for all the boys that are going to want to put their dicks near them.

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This was like being reborn spiritually and on the way out a spirit came in my face. In a good way.

PERFECTION! I even got some big new shiny teeth put it. Now am I perfect Heidi??? You said in your Good Morning America interview that a lot of it had to do with the industry you're in. I'm trying to break into the same industry Heidi! Will they accept me now!? Oh dear if only it were real and not photoshop!!!

Oh my... That may have been more fun for me than anyone reading. You know I'm kidding. I think I'm cute. Even if I'm single... The point is, nobody Heidi's or my age needs intense 10 procedure plastic surgery. We all are beautiful in our own ways. Inner beauty stomps looking like a barbie doll and anyone who doesn't also think that is ugly inside themselves. And though I'm trying to break into the entertainment industry and there's so much fucking pressure to be attractive and whatnot, I hope to break into it with some dignity. But it is 2:27AM so who knows, maybe I'm delirious and looking like my end product is the only way to survive in this town.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This may prevent me from ever getting a date again...

So something that's been on the brain lately is how fucking crazy girls are. I myself am also in this crazy girl category so don't think I'm shit talking girls. A lot of girls say they 'have all guy friends because I don't get along with girls' and what I'm going to talk about may be why. Either that or their sluts and they don't get along with girls because their main goal in life is to only fuck guys regardless of who they are dating. <-------- crazy person's opinion on girls that don't have girlfriends...
When a girl likes a guy she for some reason gets taken over by the constant want to talk to them and see them and whatnot and so if it takes a guy like more than 10 minutes to answer a text message, or if a guy can't hang out for whatever reason, instantly they become public enemy number one. That is of course until the guy makes contact with the girl again, then they are amazing and perfect. This fluctuation of emotions fascinates me. Why is it that if I text a guy at 5:02PM and don't receive a response until 10AM the next day saying "Sorry my phone was being stupid, I wasn't ignoring you", I COMPLETELY forget how I felt between the hours of about 5:05PM-10AM when the text came. Because as I recall while waiting for your text message I FUCKING HATED YOU. You were an asshole, you were a douche, I acted like I didn't care about you, I brought up every girl you also hang out with and even called HER a slut, I was in a weird mood the whole night, I checked my phone about 789 times, etc. I went on an emotional roller coaster and then the whole slate was wiped clean when you texted me again in the morning. How is that possible?
Normally I would instantly say this was a problem with me and I must be bipolar but it really isn't just me, it's every girl I talk to. You see a girl at a party who likes a boy named John, you say to the girl "Hey where's John?" she typically responds, "I don't know, I texted him earlier, he's acting weird. Whatever I don't care." FUCKING LIAR!!! You do care!!! John could have been at work the whole night and didn't see your text, but he is 'acting weird'! It doesn't make sense!!!
Same with Facebook and Twitter and all that shit. Thank goodness Facebook isn't like Myspace used to be where you could see whether or not a message had been read because there was nothing more aggravating then seeing a read message without a reply. But don't worry world we still get pissed if we can see that you are on Facebook and aren't replying to our messages or wall posts. But these internets sites allow a whole new type of stalking that can help or hurt a guy. Also for as much as girls stalk guys, we like to assume you read whatever we tweet or write on Facebook so we'll do little things to make you jealous which sometimes backfires and turns guys off to us. But I assume guys do that too... Or at least thats what girls will say to their friend Stacey when the guy she likes, Jimmy, tweets that he is 'Hangin with @Karen.' Don't worry Stacey, he's just trying to make you jealous... But then again, probably not.
Even a girl with a boyfriend is insane. Well at least Cuban girls. I've been referring to a thing called Cuban jealousy A LOT the past few weeks as my sister, my cousin Natalie, and myself exchange bitchy tales about what our boyfriends are doing. Well their boyfriends... I don't have one at the moment (obviously. Only someone single has time to step outside herself and see how insane her and the other members of her gender are) But for some reason out of my crazy girl land I can pick out a guy to be jealous of to contribute to these sorts of conversations. Most girls can. Any girl who has a friend bitching about her boyfriend has a guy in her mind that she could talk about equally as much. But anyway... We get SO jealous. At what is usually nothing! An ex girlfriend of one of our boyfriends tweets at him, and instantly we are filled with enough rage to fight the next person that looks at us OR HIM wrong. Our boyfriend seems TO US to be paying more attention to another 'stupid slut' then us, chaos ensues and we make a huge effort to prove we are ignoring our man while punching walls and things and calling the other one crying. We get a text message of who our boyfriend may be innocently hanging out with at that present moment because his friend dragged him somewhere and she just 'happened' to be there and suddenly we're calling our service providers for replacement phones because we have broken ours while hurling it across a room. All of these incidents have happened to at least one of us if not all of us between my sister my cousin and I, but I wasn't going to label it because they probably wouldn't be to stoked about that. I'm telling you, fucking psychos.
There is a silver lining gentlemen. For the most part a lot of girls can keep all the feelings I mentioned above bottled up inside. 'But wait Cassandra, I've dated crazy girls before who got jealous over everything and said something every time.' Well sir, for everything she told you she was jealous of, there were 3 more things that she was jealous of but kept quiet about. 'Cassandra I've dated girls that would get mad all the time when I would supposably 'ignore her' they don't bottle that in.' Yes they do. For as mad as she got, times it by 10, because that's how mad she really was. Mmmm passive aggressiveness strikes again!
How am I in a relationship? I'm not sure. Guys fall in love with me quickly, I know that. They all end differently I know that too. My advice to guys is to find girls with good girlfriends who don't hate you. Girls with good girlfriends are able to bitch and moan and cry about every little thing you do that we completely blow out of proportion, and you never have to hear it because we are just talking to them. And they like you, so they can talk us down from it all. If they don't like you, you're fucked. And if your girlfriend chooses you over her friends, run. Run for the hills. You've got a clingy girl thats going to demand you to be the best boyfriend and now best friend she's ever had. Face it guys, you don't give a shit about 3/4 of the stuff we talk about.

you should still totally date me though...

I'm no expert, so if you happen to come across my blog and happened to read this and also have read this far, I'm just talking what I know. I could be wrong about all this. This is just my personal experience.
But I do feel better getting it all out.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blogspot... Sometimes you really grind my gears

You are SO lucky that I can't figure out how to use tumblr or I would be all over that shit. Why is it that whenever I upload a picture of myself for the side of my blog it's either to big or to small. Huh blogspot? WHY!?

That's all I have to say.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Oh no Coco!

TMZ reported that NBC has FINALLY reached a decision and have gone in favor of their bottom bitch Leno and givin him back the slot at 11:35PM. Rightfully in response Conan is peacing out and not only giving Jay 30 min, but the whole hour back. He thought if NBC let Leno go back to 11:35 and pushed him to 12:05 and Fallon to 1:05 that it wasn't fair to himself or Jimmy. Which is right, it wouldn't have been fair at all. Poor Carson is hardly ever mentioned in any of this haha. But I go to bed after Fallon so I can't really act like I care. This whole thing has been on my mind more then someone who doesn't work for these programs would normally, but I can't help it because I would really really LOVE to work for these programs. So in a pathetic way, I feel like it effects me. But it does really suck for the people that do work for him. I don't know if Conan even recorded a show today, I'll find out in about 20 min when it starts... It also mattered too because I really like Conan's show. Like I honestly don't care what network Conan is on, I just want Conan on. I'll watch him no matter where he goes to be honest. He said in his monologue yesterday that a TV guide poll said something like 85% of people want him to keep the Tonight Show. Guess that doesn't matter to NBC. I'm sure Leno doesn't want to look like the bad guy in all this but I mean... It's kinda hard for him not to. I mean no matter what your story is, by you allowing all these talks to happen, you are pretty much saying it wouldn't bother you to push back the late night lineup 30 min and you don't care if Conan O' Brien quits completely. You want to stay on television that badly. His 10PM show failed and he can't just return to his multi million dollar home, and live the rest of his life as a retired millionaire television star. I get it, Leno is a workaholic but I mean... He has no pride to just let the 10PM show go and try something else instead of put Conan and his staff out of work. Most of them moved their whole families across the country to continue to work on Conan's show and now what do they do? Pray to God Conan goes to Fox I guess. If Leno cared about being the bad guy he'd just become a producer or some shit or start a new show he hosted or something. Anything but returning to his old time slot. In Jay's monologues he does on his 10pm show he makes it sound like NBC cancelled him as the Tonight Show host even though his ratings were good. Well no shit your ratings were good, you'd been the host for over 10 years and this was your last season, and I don't think NBC was canceling anything people had known Conan was going to come in as the Tonight Show host like 4 years before it happened. Jay Leno is like the Brett Farve of Late night hosts except Brett Farve's stints in and out of retirement weren't putting a shit ton of people out of work until their boss hopefully gets a good enough offer from another network.

Yeah... I don't know that wasn't supposed to be funny obviously, it's just been on my mind and really had me pissed off.


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In my blog's fashion I have to post an image of the person or people I'm talking about looking kinda sexy and DON'T YOU FUCKING ACT LIKE CONAN DOESN'T LOOK A LITTLE SEXY WITH A BEARD... you know he does, I know he does, WE ALL KNOW HE DOES.

Oh wait... I'm about to find out if Conan is a repeat right now......... It looks like one... He looks happy and not a little drunk..... Oh shit... this might be new people have Team Conan shirts on. Yeah I think this is new... Thank God.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Back home in LA, Happy 2010!

WOO! I was gone for what felt like FOREVER!!! With no wireless either. But everyone needs to fall off the face of the earth for a couple weeks every now and then so it was fun. I think I fell in love. And by that I mean I became infatuated with someone. No joke. It was cool until I left, now it's just been depressing. If I actually fell in love I'd probably still be in CO. Wait this has nothing to do with comedy... Yuck what is wrong with me! Alright so plans for 2010? Ummm.... Leigh and Cass Pajamarama are actually going to start doing things which is exciting ( and uhhh... Well I have a few live shows coming up which means nothing to anyone who doesn't live in LA. Since I'm back in town with internet my two liner blog is going to be up to date again which is cool... ( Yeah I've really got nothing. I think 2010 is just going to be a good continuation of everything 2009 was and that's cool with me because 2009 ended up to be a great year for me. In other news, there is a cable man in my bedroom right now installing a DVR box. That to me is the best part of 2010 so far. Well and the guy I fell in lust with, but I'm trying not to talk about how cute and amazing he is.... Le sigh. I'll leave you with a funny video... I just can't decide which one yet.... I'll post something by DERRICK because they are just sooo funny. Oh and you should download Childish Gambino's mixtape I Am Just A Rapper. It's Donald Glover from DERRICK and Community on NBC and I think it's pretty darn good :] I'd post a link but ummm... Just find Donald Glover's website, I guarantee it won't take you that long. What's my favorite songs from it you ask? Well if you must know it's either 49ers (orange shirt) that has DC Pierson (also in DERRICK) or it's I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer). Thanks for asking. Okay love you.