Sunday, March 14, 2010

Grandma...?

So little insider view in my life lately, I've been back and forth into Colorado for the past couple of months to spend some time with my family and more specifically my grandparents. Well last time I left my grandma, Tete, gave me a letter and told me not to read it until she died. Curiosity killed the cat, but I'm not a fucking cat, so I read it this morning and well... I was a little surprised. Rather then talk about it to her, I decided to immediately run to my blog and make it public domain ;]

Keep in mind my grandma's english isn't the best, she's from Cuba. And when she references Chino, that's my grandpa.

Cassandra,
If you are reading this that means I died but I love you very much. I have some things you should know about the family and where we are really from and I chose you to know because you are my favorite granddaughter. That es good to say. Elizabeth really thought it was her didn't she? Why am I asking questions in a letter? Que stupida. ANYWHO so confession time for Tete... While in Cuba during world war II, Chino and I subscribed deeply into the Nazi party. Cuba was going all communist but Chino and I we liked what Hitler was doing. That will probably explain why when your cousin brought a jewish boyfren to Thanksgiving one year, we were all yelling upstairs in spanish while you kids played downstairs. More yelling that year then ever before. So when you are cleaning out the basement, act surprised with everyone else when you see all the Nazi stuff. Ey dios I'm so high right now. The mota the dispensaries give me is fucking bonkers. It's for my legs. We got over that Nazi stuff pretty quick once they started losing. Chino and I were always on top of our shit, and if it wasn't cool, we weren't doing it. So when it became cool to flee the country to the United States, you know we were doing that. All you grandchildren figured this out already but I thought I would confirm that my sister and I did in fact marry members of the Cuban Mob. Can't say anything about that can you? I've seen the guys you date. Where do you think you got it from, the sky? No no no, we dated the real bad boys. Not like the pussies you and your cousins date. Sure they have gotten into fights and DUI's and drug charges and whatever else you girls are up to, but I'm not impressed until I know that they have killed tons of men in organized crime. You'll get there someday though, don't worry. ksdhfsn. Lo siento, I drop my glasses. No glasses no see! I forgot to put my string on my glasses today. I was more concerned about getting my buzz on. If you thought you could beat your grandma in a shot contest, you'd be crazy. You'd be in the hospital before I'd stop drinking. Pero, I don't want to see that I love you to much. That's why I wanted to you to wait til I died to read this, you have a very competitive spirit. Especially with Elizabeth. You get that from me too. My sisters and I would compete in everything. I would always win though. Which is why you and Elizabeth are so much better then all your cousins. You two are mine. So while raising your father I was working in a fabric store, while Chino hustled the streets. Gangs in Colorado wouldn't exist if it weren't for your grandpa. Oopsie! The rest is pretty much a blur from there except when you and Elizabeth were born. Daniel and Ben I don't remember, but I remember you two girls because thats what I wanted all along. I only had sons, and then when they had only sons I got worried. But then you guys came. Well actually, Cassandra you did have an older sister, but did you ever read that book Of Mice and Men? I didn't squeeze her! She died like the one did in the end where someone shot her in the back of the head. Nobody ever wanted you to know that. Like I said though, total blur. My black mailman just stopped by. Watch for him now that I'm gone, he wants to rob us. I just fucking know it. He would do it too if he didn't know that I knew how to handle a pistol. But he knows that I do. He's seen it. I sat on my porch with it in my hand waiting, then I shot a squirrel out of a tree. Smart man to not say anything. I said to him 'If I can hit a squirrel, chances are I can hit your right testicle.' I wanted to say something cooler, but it's all I could think of. So listen, I'm getting bored of trying to stuff this letter with family history and stuff because honestly there are some things you just shouldn't find out. The real reason for the letter was to inform you of my severe gambling addiction. You're probably thinking 'I know Tete, you go to Vegas and Central City all the time and go to Bingo every week, we all know you like to gamble blah blah' No, it's much more then that. I bet on the Broncos to make the Super Bowl this year because I thought they would keep the ugly uniforms that made them win on, and that didn't work for me. You know how many handjobs I had to give to get them from coming and collecting my retirement from me. That was for you guys! I wanted you to inherit something. But a while back I bet that Feldmen would die before Haim. That I know now was a mistake, because that bet was a big one. So to inform you, I have people after me. Now I'm dead. They are after you. I'm sorry, I just REALLY didn't think Corey Haim would die first. He was the good one! Don't stay in Colorado to long, let Elizabeth take the hit for this one. You're taller then her and those are the kinda genes I want passed on. But then again you're almost Amazonian awkward tall, so I guess since I'm picking you, don't get knocked up by a basketball player or some shit. 6'3 and under okay? Alright I'm going to smoke this blunt and do some illegal stuff with your grandpa.
Love,
Grandma Tete

P.S. We accidently did all that illegal stuff on this letter. It was sexual illegal stuff. My bad, I forgot it was still on the bed. Thought you had the right to know though. Love you! See you in Heaven!

So that's it. I don't have the heart to tell her I read it early...



jk.... my grandma isn't even dying and didn't write this letter. None of this is true. Well except the Cuban Mob part and most likely the gambling addiction. But it was fun to imagine Tete liking me better then Elizabeth :]

elizabethcardenes.blogspot.com

Sooooo okay I guess I'm done blogging now.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I can't figure out how to delete posts...

Only edit them... So I guess this is here to replace some shit I wrote on Monday about getting dumped that was less funny and more bitter. Which actually is all I truly am once you get to know me.

Nah... I'm nice.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Denver

Dude... We need to talk Denver. Look... I know I've fucked up in the past, but I just gotta say, I think about you a lot and I don't know, maybe we should give it another go. I mean I'll be honest, I could grow old with California, but I mean you and I we have fun. Like we have FUN.

Love,
Cassandra

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dear DMV,

Well, I received your letter and frankly, I'm appalled. You have chosen to suspend my driver's license due to a fix it ticket I received and forgot about back in August. For shame DMV!
Yes, I know this stems back to being my fault, and I accept the responsibility, but you wanna know my problem? This letter has just been sent to me NOW. You send the letter saying 'Oh by the way your license has been suspended since Jan. 23, 2010' NOW. It even says at the top of the letter 'Feb. 5, 2010'. Ummmm hello? Who the fuck was going to explain this shit to me? A police officer taking me in his vehicle while impounding my car? I sure fucking hope not, because he would have been dealing with a crying angry cuban mess of a girl and NOBODY deserves that. NOBODY. Unless of course you put your dick in a cuban girl, then you are a free target for a crying angry cuban mess of a girl at anytime. Did you put your dick in me DMV? Not literally. But you are still getting this girl because I definitely feel like I've been fucked. Did you see that play on words? DID YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!?

Let's get to the real shit, THE REAL SHIT! This state is broke, that's the only way that I can fathom why on God's great earth a $25 fix it ticket has now skyrocketed to a whopping $1004 that has become only payable through the DMV's right hand collection agency. Fair enough DMV, shoot my ticket that high, you don't fucking scare me, oh but wait... what? I can make payments but I can't have my license back until the amount is paid in full?

BURN IN HELL DMV, I NEED MY FUCKING LICENSE.

That is grade A bologna, DMV. If I'm making payments, don't I deserve my license? I understand that a driver's license is a big thing to hold above someone's head which further inclines them to quickly pay a ticket, but you also don't seem to understand that a driver's license is a necessity in a lot of people's lives. Mine included. Half of the things I do for my job involve DRIVING.

Oh no, what's going on now DMV? You won't even spit in my asshole before you fuck me now? You are saying I need to go to you and apply to get a state ID and I can't just keep my driver's license for idenification? That's bullshit. Oh but how sweet, you even gave me a form and an envelope to send my license to you in. THAT I HAVE TO PAY THE STAMP ON. I mean, such a small thing, but definitely a cherry on top of this shit cupcake that you have frosted with your figurative DMV semen and piss.

Okay so I go to the DMV today lets say, and I apply for an ID, great, there's three weeks of my life I have to wait before I have any proof of who I am. Will this affect the trip I'm making to Denver for my lovely cousin's birthday at the end of the month? It better fucking not. I'm keeping my license until I get your shitty waste of plastic that you'll dub 'Cassandra Joyce Cardenes' Identification Card' because I'm not letting you ruin my whole life.

How do I tell my boss about this DMV? My mother has already cut me out of the will because of this. That's not entirely true, but if it was, would you feel bad? Would you shed a tear from me you heartless fucking robot government agency!?

Nobody likes you DMV, NOBODY. You're lines are long, you smell like stale body oder and farts, your workers are unhappy people, you overprice your citations, and you have a magical spell in the air that makes even the prettiest people look like gremlins in their pictures.

Seriously DMV, eat shit. I'll pay your fucking ticket as fast as I can and I won't drive until I get my license back and break the law. Why? Because I fucking have no choice. That might be the worst part of it all. No matter what, I have no choice. Because regardless of when you notified me about all this and regardless of how insanely overpriced it is, and regardless of the huge horse dick that resides inside your asshole, it all comes back to me forgetting to pay a fix it ticket. Even if I went in and accused you of not reminding me and that my first reminder shouldn't be you guys taking my license away 6 months later, it doesn't matter because that's only my opinion. You people at the DMV run it the way you want to. How do you sleep at night?

If I was sure I wouldn't get in trouble, I'd send you a picture of a dirty asshole along with my driver's license. Luckily for you, I'm not sure I wouldn't get in trouble and you aren't worth the trouble of searching for dirty asshole pics on the internet. You aren't worth shit.

Forever Yours,
Cassandra 'Your Bitch Now' Cardenes

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
It wouldn't shock me in the slightest to find out he was goose stepping in this picture.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Mini Daddy!

I don't know why I haven't seen this video before but I quite enjoyed it. I have a cousin Laz that looks identical so I'm going to provide NOT ONLY Mini Daddy, but some random thing my cousin Laz did on youtube so you all can see the clear comparison.


That's Mini Daddy.


That's Mini Daddy when he's 20. Aka My cousin Laz.

Awwww Mexicans :]

If I had a boyfriend...

I would expect this gift for Valentine's Day which I will in fact be spending alone...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

That's all.

Buy it for me or someone else...

http://loveislame.com/products/4


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Mind Games/Single or Taken?

Yuck what a terrible subject. What possesses you to play mind games with your significant other? Because everyone does it at some point or another. Everyone thinks to themselves, 'So and so is doing this that bothers me and I have two options. I can tell them upfront what my problem is or I can be a passive aggressive douche bag and make them hate themselves and be overwhelmed with confusion.' I've done it. You've done it. I've felt it. You've felt it. But why? Do we for some reason we feel better making our boyfriend (or girlfriend) feel like shit? Things like:

"Are you mad?"
"Nope."

That nope was a lie. If I could express tone on a blog I would but you know what I'm talking about. That nope had an underlying "Yes you stupid piece of shit." Passive Aggressive.

"I love you."
"Okay."

OKAY!? Wtf!? You told me you loved me 20 times an hour ago when we were getting along, but now I've done something to upset you and suddenly our entire relationship flashed before your eyes to make you question whether or not you love me anymore. Do you feel better hurting someone's feelings like that?

"Did you have fun with your friends?"
"Yeah but all these girls were all over me."
"Okay..."

Why on earth would you tell your significant other some shit like that? Is the attention you want jealous rage and protectiveness? Maybe sometimes, but making someone like that all the time is not a partner you want. Also if you are dating a crazy girl, which if you are dating a girl in general you are automatically dating a crazy girl, we begin to wonder in our crazy little heads 'Now why did he have to reassure us that he wasn't flirting? Should I not trust him? Because I trusted him before he said all this.' Or at least in my experience...

"I forgave you for such and such thing, and you wanna fight with me about this thing? You're the shitty person in this relationship all along but I forgave YOU."

That's almost relationship blackmail. If you think that what Person A did was so terrible but you forgave them on YOUR PRIVATE terms that you could then get away with whatever you wanted from that point on, it doesn't sound like you really forgave them at all. Now it just sounds like you are keeping Person A around because you have something to hold over their head for the rest of your relationship.

"If you don't do this for me right now, you obviously don't love me and we're fucking over."

Is that really all it takes to end your relationship? I mean unless what you are talking about is like 'Stop fucking other people' or something really really serious, I see absolutely no reason to say this phrase to someone and yet I hear people say it all the time. Whether to me or my friends.

"Hey sorry I didn't answer the phone, I was in class."
"Yeah sure, you were probably with you're other boyfriend."

GROW THE FUCK UP.

My big question is do we ever truly feel better about doing these things? Because it all is meaningless. If we actually meant all this shit we said, we wouldn't be in relationships with these people. I think we can all comfortably say, unless we've managed to find our soul mates in high school and our shit smells like roses and we have a television show on TLC about our 19 kids and blah blah, that we have experienced some sort of mental abuse in relationships. It's not always severe, especially when you consider all the different interpretations for what counts as mental abuse. You could say that when you found out your 9 month old puppy that shit on the carpet everyday and chewed up mommy's cashmere sweater went to that big farm where it could be free and run around all day is mental abuse from your parents if you wanted to. So whatever, point is, why on earth do we do these things and also, why does it strangely make us feel better to watch the other person struggle a little. Evil of me to say? To fucking bad. There is something mildly satisfying of the revenge that mind games can at times play on someone and you are a liar if you disagree because you probably have played mind games on someone without even realizing what you're doing.
Revenge is something else too. Matching mind games with mind games. That shit gets people no where I think. When I've been through situations like that I usually want to step back and just ask to forget about the entire thing and act like it all never happened, because if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend had to sit down and explain all the mental olympics you were trying to pull on each other, you'd probably break up.
Why do I bring this up? Well because I feel as though uhhhhhhh MY FRIEND is being fucked with right now. And this FRIEND can only think of ways to fuck with her guy thing back rather then act like an adult. Is this FRIEND just a bitch? No, she's human. Which I guess technically makes her a bitch because as I've said in previous blogs girls are crazy, but can I just say that the guy started this!
They got in a fight and the guy claimed there was nothing wrong when there clearly was and then this guy was being a HUGE dick to my FRIEND and my FRIEND got her feelings hurt because she had seen things like this in previous relationships and began to question why she was even bothering with relationships if they were all going to be the same?
My FRIEND asked her best friend to find out what was wrong with her guy and the guy then said nothing was wrong again like dirty liar and just said 'tell her I love her, but I don't want to talk to her.'
Why don't you want to talk to her!? Is it because you want her to sit around and suffer while she waits to hear from you!?!?!?! YES THAT'S WHY YOU ASSHOLE I'VE GOT YOU FIGURED OUT MOTHER FUCKER.
Excuse me... anyway. My FRIEND'S friend then said, like a champ of a best friend that she is, 'Well I'm not going to tell her that because I'm sick of hearing her cry over you.'
Was my FRIEND really crying over this boy? Of course not. But did that get the guys attention? Fuck yes it did. Because that too is a mind game.
My FRIEND had been through these types of things before and told her best friend to be prepared to say that she had been crying all day in case the guy decided he wanted to keep the big dildo in his mouth and keep pulling this passive aggressive mind game bullshit.
Matching mind games with mind games to just have a sad and confused couple.

But I digress because I shouldn't keep talking about my FRIEND'S problems online because nobody truly cares, even though I can't stop thinking about them. Because they are mine.

I mentioned before that my FRIEND got her feelings hurt and wondered if relationships were even worth this shit. I mean a quick draft of a Pros and Cons list:

TO BE SINGLE:
PROS
  • You can flirt and sleep with whoever you want
  • You only have to worry about yourself
  • You don't have anyone to fight with
  • Free to do what you want when you want
  • You don't have to worry about relationship stuff
  • like money, parents, cleaning up after someone else
CONS
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You are alone
  • You might want to consider getting a dog...

Not going to lie I really started struggling to think of PROS to that list. Goes to show where I'd rather be despite all the pain of a relationship....

TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP:
PROS
  • Companionship with someone you care about
  • Someone to be with you through good and bad times
  • No longer have to look for someone else
  • Someone to spend time with
  • Get to do 'couple things' with
  • Have someone to rely on
  • Feel better then your single friends
CONS
  • Is that bitch looking at my man?
  • Fuck, are they still crying?
  • Oh man, that Jewish guy was hot...
  • I could fold myself in a naked pretzel and you would STILL be playing xbox
  • Babe, I don't want to see Avatar again
  • NOBODY IS GOING TO CARE THAT YOU ARE BUYING TAMPONS JUST GET THEM!
  • I wish I could fit in that dress, I guess I've been getting a little 'comfortable' since I started dating So and So...
Who knows what's better?? I suppose it's just the type of person you are.

I have no good ending to this blog because I have no answers. I just observe and try to figure out things way bigger then myself. This is all just a process.