Sunday, March 14, 2010

Grandma...?

So little insider view in my life lately, I've been back and forth into Colorado for the past couple of months to spend some time with my family and more specifically my grandparents. Well last time I left my grandma, Tete, gave me a letter and told me not to read it until she died. Curiosity killed the cat, but I'm not a fucking cat, so I read it this morning and well... I was a little surprised. Rather then talk about it to her, I decided to immediately run to my blog and make it public domain ;]

Keep in mind my grandma's english isn't the best, she's from Cuba. And when she references Chino, that's my grandpa.

Cassandra,
If you are reading this that means I died but I love you very much. I have some things you should know about the family and where we are really from and I chose you to know because you are my favorite granddaughter. That es good to say. Elizabeth really thought it was her didn't she? Why am I asking questions in a letter? Que stupida. ANYWHO so confession time for Tete... While in Cuba during world war II, Chino and I subscribed deeply into the Nazi party. Cuba was going all communist but Chino and I we liked what Hitler was doing. That will probably explain why when your cousin brought a jewish boyfren to Thanksgiving one year, we were all yelling upstairs in spanish while you kids played downstairs. More yelling that year then ever before. So when you are cleaning out the basement, act surprised with everyone else when you see all the Nazi stuff. Ey dios I'm so high right now. The mota the dispensaries give me is fucking bonkers. It's for my legs. We got over that Nazi stuff pretty quick once they started losing. Chino and I were always on top of our shit, and if it wasn't cool, we weren't doing it. So when it became cool to flee the country to the United States, you know we were doing that. All you grandchildren figured this out already but I thought I would confirm that my sister and I did in fact marry members of the Cuban Mob. Can't say anything about that can you? I've seen the guys you date. Where do you think you got it from, the sky? No no no, we dated the real bad boys. Not like the pussies you and your cousins date. Sure they have gotten into fights and DUI's and drug charges and whatever else you girls are up to, but I'm not impressed until I know that they have killed tons of men in organized crime. You'll get there someday though, don't worry. ksdhfsn. Lo siento, I drop my glasses. No glasses no see! I forgot to put my string on my glasses today. I was more concerned about getting my buzz on. If you thought you could beat your grandma in a shot contest, you'd be crazy. You'd be in the hospital before I'd stop drinking. Pero, I don't want to see that I love you to much. That's why I wanted to you to wait til I died to read this, you have a very competitive spirit. Especially with Elizabeth. You get that from me too. My sisters and I would compete in everything. I would always win though. Which is why you and Elizabeth are so much better then all your cousins. You two are mine. So while raising your father I was working in a fabric store, while Chino hustled the streets. Gangs in Colorado wouldn't exist if it weren't for your grandpa. Oopsie! The rest is pretty much a blur from there except when you and Elizabeth were born. Daniel and Ben I don't remember, but I remember you two girls because thats what I wanted all along. I only had sons, and then when they had only sons I got worried. But then you guys came. Well actually, Cassandra you did have an older sister, but did you ever read that book Of Mice and Men? I didn't squeeze her! She died like the one did in the end where someone shot her in the back of the head. Nobody ever wanted you to know that. Like I said though, total blur. My black mailman just stopped by. Watch for him now that I'm gone, he wants to rob us. I just fucking know it. He would do it too if he didn't know that I knew how to handle a pistol. But he knows that I do. He's seen it. I sat on my porch with it in my hand waiting, then I shot a squirrel out of a tree. Smart man to not say anything. I said to him 'If I can hit a squirrel, chances are I can hit your right testicle.' I wanted to say something cooler, but it's all I could think of. So listen, I'm getting bored of trying to stuff this letter with family history and stuff because honestly there are some things you just shouldn't find out. The real reason for the letter was to inform you of my severe gambling addiction. You're probably thinking 'I know Tete, you go to Vegas and Central City all the time and go to Bingo every week, we all know you like to gamble blah blah' No, it's much more then that. I bet on the Broncos to make the Super Bowl this year because I thought they would keep the ugly uniforms that made them win on, and that didn't work for me. You know how many handjobs I had to give to get them from coming and collecting my retirement from me. That was for you guys! I wanted you to inherit something. But a while back I bet that Feldmen would die before Haim. That I know now was a mistake, because that bet was a big one. So to inform you, I have people after me. Now I'm dead. They are after you. I'm sorry, I just REALLY didn't think Corey Haim would die first. He was the good one! Don't stay in Colorado to long, let Elizabeth take the hit for this one. You're taller then her and those are the kinda genes I want passed on. But then again you're almost Amazonian awkward tall, so I guess since I'm picking you, don't get knocked up by a basketball player or some shit. 6'3 and under okay? Alright I'm going to smoke this blunt and do some illegal stuff with your grandpa.
Love,
Grandma Tete

P.S. We accidently did all that illegal stuff on this letter. It was sexual illegal stuff. My bad, I forgot it was still on the bed. Thought you had the right to know though. Love you! See you in Heaven!

So that's it. I don't have the heart to tell her I read it early...



jk.... my grandma isn't even dying and didn't write this letter. None of this is true. Well except the Cuban Mob part and most likely the gambling addiction. But it was fun to imagine Tete liking me better then Elizabeth :]

elizabethcardenes.blogspot.com

Sooooo okay I guess I'm done blogging now.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this cheered me up no end this morning!

    :D

    ReplyDelete