Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Santa,

Hey there buddy, it's me Cassandra. I know we haven't talked for a while because you know, I'm older now, but I got some real shit I gotta talk to you about. Yeah, my Christmas list. Santa I'm just going to give you a quick list because like I said, I'm older now, so I know I can't get everything I want, but these are the things that like I really want:

A Video Camera. Not to record myself being what you consider to be 'naughty' and engaging in 'fucking the opposite sex'. Well not solely for that I should say, because I mean if that shit happens, it happens. You know how it is Santa, in the moment, you surprise yourself with the things you do. Nah, but anyway Santa, I want this video camera so I can record sketches and shit. Have you ever had to rely on somebody else in order to use their video camera? No of course not, you're Santa Claus. But I have, and that shit sucks ass. Sketch ideas come to me in the middle of the night Santa, and what do I have to do? Write them down and wait until like next week until I can shoot them with so and so's camera? Fuck that noise Nick, you gotta bring me my own.

A horn for my car. Bet you don't get this one a lot Santa, but I seriously don't have a horn in my car. SERIOUSLY. Have I become significantly better at projecting my voice since I started driving my car? Yes. But the thing is Nicky boy, I have always been good at projecting, so really now I'm just good at yelling. I'll never find a husband like that Santa, think about it that way. I will also never find a husband when my face gets all kinds of fucked up after one of these asians or old people pulling into my lane without checking their blind spots actually hits me one of these days. Luckily I'm excellent at swerving, but I blew my audition for Fast in the Furious 3 so now every time I drive recklessly I get depressed about not getting cast. Dammit Santa, I wanted to make out with Vin Diesel while he shot guns at drug cartels! You can't give me that for Christmas! No one fucking can! So yeah bro... a horn please. OH! and if you have an elf that can make it sound like a funny horn from like the 20s, definitely get me that one. It won't get my LA road rage across as much as a normal horn, but it'll still be hilarious every time I get to use it.

A stereo for my car. Yeah still in the car. I only have a tape player right now Santa so typically I just listen to the radio. Nick, I'm thanking my lucky stars I haven't been driving on Mullholland when the Black Eye Peas come on the radio because I honestly think their music combined with an actual chance to kill myself might end badly. Oh, and don't fucking tell me to get one of those tape things that plugs into my ipod because I had one before and it broke after about a month. A month santa, a fucking month. And what if I want to listen to CD's? Say I want to pop in Aziz Ansari's new stand up CD coming out in January that I would also really like to have for Xmas (just email me the amazon reciept) what would I do then Santa? Buy a walkman to plug into that tape deck thing? Hell no. I'd be embarrassed buying a walkman. Especially this time of year when the lines at Target are long. It would give everyone around me about 15 min. to judge "walkman girl".

Those are the big one's Santa, so I hope you remember. I've been nice this year. Don't say I haven't either, it's not like I killed anybody. Thanks Nick!

Cassandra Cardenes

P.S. Will you also pay my membership to Netflix? I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE THE DVD'S!

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