Monday, January 25, 2010

Uhhh Heidi... Your face!

When was the last time you visited the super market? When you were there did you see this monster of a magazine cover?

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It's like the took a tan dildo and molded it into Jessica rabbit

Heidi Montag got a new face! And triple D boobs! Only 23 years old and looks like a totally different person. I want to become a close friend of hers just so I can be there when she like REALLY regrets all this. Is that mean? I'm not trying to make fun of her, like I think it's sad mostly.

That being said... I'm around 23 years old. Bit younger. SO now I guess is the time when I have to completely change my face right? I mean Heidi's doctor says all kinds of young girls are getting the types of surgeries people wait until their late 30s to get so I mean, I need to decide now. Let's see...

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No surgery, yuck hide your eyes

So of course we must start with my deceptively large nose. It's deceptive because I'm not Jewish. I wouldn't make that stereotype except that a lot of people instantly assume I'm Jewish.

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After first procedure, I feel so alive

There. Perfect. Only... Hmmm my jaw looks to round which is disgusting because having a round jaw must mean I'm like 300 pounds or something. Let's take that off too.

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Finally a jaw that makes sense. No longer do I need those childish dimples.

Fabulous. Hmmm I almost look beautiful enough to face society again but... Oh of course I need to lift my brows and make my eyes look bigger. And plump up those lips for all the boys that are going to want to put their dicks near them.

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This was like being reborn spiritually and on the way out a spirit came in my face. In a good way.

PERFECTION! I even got some big new shiny teeth put it. Now am I perfect Heidi??? You said in your Good Morning America interview that a lot of it had to do with the industry you're in. I'm trying to break into the same industry Heidi! Will they accept me now!? Oh dear if only it were real and not photoshop!!!

Oh my... That may have been more fun for me than anyone reading. You know I'm kidding. I think I'm cute. Even if I'm single... The point is, nobody Heidi's or my age needs intense 10 procedure plastic surgery. We all are beautiful in our own ways. Inner beauty stomps looking like a barbie doll and anyone who doesn't also think that is ugly inside themselves. And though I'm trying to break into the entertainment industry and there's so much fucking pressure to be attractive and whatnot, I hope to break into it with some dignity. But it is 2:27AM so who knows, maybe I'm delirious and looking like my end product is the only way to survive in this town.


  1. ew. teach me how to do that. or do it for me on one of my pictures. i'll tell you which one. it looks so cartoonish!

  2. lol photoshop is magical isn't it? I probably could have done a better job and made it look more realistic but then it might have looked good and I would have decided that maybe I do need a new face haha.